God Only Gives Good Gifts

I've been debating for the past few weeks about rather I should blog about some recent events.  I have decided that I will because more then anything my blog is my families journal.  So this may be too personal, or TMI, but it is a part of my family's history.

When Michael and I met, dated, fell in love and decided we wanted to be together forever it was always in our plan to have children and start our family as soon as possible.  For the last year we have been seeing an infertility specialist on post to help us achieve this goal.  I have always had irregular periods and the specialist thinks I probably have PCOS.  She won't say conclusively that I do but I have a lot of the symptoms.  It's basically a hormone imbalance that explains the irregular periods.  Well, she gave me meds and told me the best thing I could do would be to lose weight.  However, the meds that she gave me and the PCOS make it a catch 22.  It's not impossible to lose weight with this condition, but it's one step away.  This last year has been the absolute most frustrating year.  Since I was on the meds and trying my best to watch my weight I had no reason to believe that it wouldn't work and that I would be able to get pregnant.  However, since my periods are always irregular I'm always "late".  So month after month I would let myself get my hopes up that this time it worked and month after month I was bitterly disappointed.  I would pray for patience and trust in the Lord's timing.  Because ultimately that's what it comes down to and I know that and I believe that with all my heart.

In December I had kind of reached the end of my rope. I finally surrendered my will and accepted that it was just not the right time.  I made an appointment with my doctor for January 17th.  At that appointment I asked her to prescribe me some birth control so that we could just take a break and I could focus on losing all the weight I had gained over the last few months.  I also asked if I could take a pregnancy test before I start the pills just to be on the safe side.  I had no thought whatsoever that this time would be any different then every other time.  I didn't allow myself to get my hopes up.

Later that afternoon my doctor called me with the results from my pregnancy test.  It was positive! I could not believe it.  It felt surreal and amazing.  I was in shock.  I felt grateful and like my whole world had been changed.  There was a little thing growing inside me that I loved so much instantly.  I couldn't wait to get home and tell Michael the good news.  I had two other visits I had to somehow get through first though.  I couldn't contain my excitement though so I called and told my parents.  Michael was of course thrilled at the news and felt kind of like I did.  It just seemed so surreal but so exciting.  We calculated the due date with an online predictor, and it was confirmed at a doctor's appointment a week later.  I was about 8 weeks along with a due date of September 2nd.

The day after I had my doctor's appointment, and exactly one week after we learned I was pregnant I started spotting.  According to everything I read this seemed normal.  It wasn't heavy and it wasn't dark or anything.  It went on for a few hours and then stopped.  However, it came back the next day so I decided to go to the ER just for my own peace of mind. (And also because we have amazing insurance and it was free.)   The ER doctor did an ultrasound and checked my blood levels.  The ER doctor couldn't detect a heart beat but said that either something was wrong or the baby was just not far enough along.  They took me to radiology for a more detailed ultrasound.  The tech did a lot of pictures and then the radiologist came in.  He told me that based on the size of the fetus my baby was 6 weeks a long, but there was no heart beat and no blood flowing to the fetus.  My baby was dead.  It was the most devastating thing I have ever heard and ever gone through.  My heart was broken.  Michael was out in the field so I was completely alone.  The radiology tech called him and gave him the news and he was able to leave the field and come be with me but it took him about an hour to get there.  It's crazy how many hopes and dreams you can think up in such a short amount of time just to have them come crashing down around you in seconds.

The whole morning while I was laying in a hospital bed waiting for the news about what was going on a phrase from a scripture kept going through my mind, "God does not give bad gifts; he only gives good gifts." I know that even though I won't get to hold my baby as soon as I wanted to that little guy or girl is now with God and I will get to have my baby in the eternities.  The prophet Joseph Smith taught, "The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again."  This thought has brought me some comfort over the last few weeks as I have been trying to find the good gifts that come from such a sorrowful time.

My sister, my mom and my doctor have all said that one of the good gifts is that the Lord has given me hope because now I know that I can get pregnant.  I want to feel this hope.  I have read a lot about miscarriages over the last few weeks and have found some very promising statistics.  One article I found said that 85% of women who miscarry go onto to have healthy successful pregnancies.

I don't understand the Lord's timing.  I don't understand his ways or his thoughts.  All I know is that He does not give bad gifts, that He loves me and that He wants to bless me with all of the desires of my heart.  I have felt strength through my trial that I know only comes from my Savior, Jesus Christ.