NICU

NICU

Logan was transferred up to a hospital in Salt Lake with a higher level of care NICU.  The last few days have been so stressful and so emotional.  When the doctors first talked about transferring Logan to a NICU in a different city I saw it as a negative thing and it was very frustrating and upsetting.  I just wanted him to stay where he was, get better and come home.  However, he wasn't getting better.  They kept saying he was stable and things looked good, but then they also kept saying that he wasn't getting better and they might need to transfer him.  It was just as upsetting and frustrating.  So this morning when the pediatrician called and said they were arranging to transfer him I felt relieved.  I was still sad and frustrated but I was also relieved that there wouldn't be the constant "threat" of if they would transfer him. 

A life flight team transferred him in an ambulance.  I met them at the hospital.  They were both really sweet and told me how awesome Logan did.  They said he seemed to really like the ambulance ride and said that he did a great job.  The lady gave me a hug and wished us luck.  The neonatalogist said that Logan looks really good and that he just needs time to fight off his infection, be weaned off the oxygen and be able to eat orally.  They did a chest x-ray that showed that he has a pneumothorax on his left side.  They said it was small and that it should heal on its own without further intervention.  Everything I've heard and seen so far has been positive and encouraging.

I have felt a lot of peace today as he was transitioned and as we visited him.  The new NICU has a lot more privacy and just feels less chaotic.  Logan looked so much better not having to have the big cpap mask on his face.  He still has an oxygen tube and is on high flow oxygen, but it's just a little tube in his nose.  He still has a feeding tube and a bunch of other wires to monitor heart rate and temperature.  The nurses were really encouraging and helped us be more "hands on" with him.  Michael and I were both able to feed him and change his diapers.  I got to hold him and do skin to skin.  It was really nice.  I think I'll get to hold him every time I see him now.

When they weighed and measured him he was 6 pounds, 9 ounces still but he was 19 and 3/4 inches long.  He did it twice so I'm thinking that is a more accurate measurement then his measurement right after birth of 18 inches.  When the nurse practitioner was examining him she looked at his back side and I asked if he had a sacral dimple.  We haven't been able to check at all yet.  He does have a sacral dimple, but it's closed and he also has a Mongolian spot.  Just like Nathan.  The nurse asked what ethnicity we were and I told her Caucasian.  She was so surprised that both Nathan and Logan would have a Mongolian spot with two white parents. 

When we went back to the hospital last night the nurse told us Logan is going to have to go on their watch closely list. I was getting kind of worried that something had happened but then the nurse said it was because he pulled the iv out of his head! He told us they're not used to babies being so strong and active. To

Another thing that happened today that has relieved so much stress is that Michael's mom came out to stay with us and help with Nathan.  I told her this morning that they were transferring Logan and her response was that she would be here by tonight.  And she was!

And another awesome thing from today was that Logan opened his eyes and was awake and alert for the end of our visit!  He was so cute!  It made it even harder to leave him then it usually is.  We stayed with him while he was awake and then left when he started getting sleepy and closing his eyes.

I think when Logan was first admitted to the Level 2 nursery I was in complete denial that he was actually sick and that it was actually happening to us that we wouldn't be taking our baby home with us.  I think now that he is in the NICU I have come to terms with it.  I am still grieving so much and I still cry every time I have to leave.  I am trying to remain positive and hopeful.  It was really hard for me tonight to realize that Logan is going to start becoming more alert and active over the next few days and that I'm not always going to be there for it over the next few days.  But I think that I need to celebrate the victories in the situation that we're in.  I need to see it as a blessing that I was able to be there tonight when he was awake.  And I need to see it as a blessing that I get to hold him now.  I need to accept this hand that has been dealt and see the positive in this situation-the positives being that Logan isn't worse then he is, that infections are treatable, that the doctors are optimistic, that he is now in a place where he will receive all of the help he needs and get the best care possible, that Michael's mom is here now so I won't have to make daily arrangements for someone to care for Nathan, that I can hold Logan now and be more involved in his care.  I need to let go of the expectations that I had and realize that it's okay to grieve the loss of those things but then move forward.